Happy new year! That is probably the most insincere message I have right now. Meanwhile, fuck you 2015 is probably the most genuine.
Hello 2016. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to start you, but if it’s any indication, it’s starting rough. I’ve been in a funk for almost a week now, because let’s face it, you wake up on a Sunday and suddenly you just feel like shutting down.
And shut down I did.
Ano ba naman kasi to? One day babangon ka na lang tas iisipin mo, puta yoko na, ayoko makipagusap sa tao. Oh, edi tangina, wag ka makipagusap. Madali lang gawin yan.
I muted my viber. I muted my messenger. Mute everything, I don’t want to talk to people. ‘Kala ko ok na pag nagawa ko ng one day.
I missed my barkada’s breakfast whatever. I just felt like doing nothing when I opened my eyes last Sunday. Kala ko tinatamad lang ako. Sunday turned into Monday. I was still in a funk. Fine. Maybe I was just PMS-ing, I DON’T KNOW. Maybe I was having an existential crisis. Maybe I was being a moody fucktard.
Tuesday, I decided to watch a movie with Mabs. Maybe it’ll cheer me up. FAIL. Watched #Walang Forever, made me feel like crap afterwards. Opened up to Mabs about this fucking so-called existential crisis. 2015 was a fucking mess. Maybe it was finally catching up to me.
I’m 29. I don’t have a career. I don’t have a love life. I don’t have other family members to rely on except for my dad (and my dog). I guess it all just came crashing on me. What the fuck have I been doing with my life> I can’t help but feel jealous of people, okay? For so long, I’ve been taking care of other people. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. I haven’t been happy for the longest time. Actually, I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy. Yun bang dati, happy ako kasi happy talaga o dahil nadadala lang ako sa happy ng iba? I tend to live vicariously through other people. Have I been doing that my whole life? Have I ever done anything to be myself, or have I been living life a lost ghost, trying to catch on other empty souls just like me?
O, di ba, bonggang existential crisis. Daming problema, di alam kung ano uunahin.
Wednesday, turned to Thursday, and now, it’s Friday. It’s already 2016 and I’m still stuck here feeling like crap.
Anyway, let’s recap 2015 and remind ourselves why it was a crappy year.
horrible not thrilling job. Office work is not for me. I honestly think I’m smart enough and talented enough but cooping me up in a job that requires eight fucking hours of sitting on a chair staring at the computer kills my brains.
Job closes down because boss is stupid. Still can’t get over that fact. Loses job. Oha, I keep losing jobs during June/July of the year. Mid year FUCK YOU Kia.
Losing people. There are days when I admit to being the useless child that I was/am. I don’t know. I’m not emotional. But not being able to cry when people are expecting you to (and are actually allowing you to be vulnerable) seemed like a lousy excuse at being someone who cares. I lost my mama. The number of times that I cried during this whole experience: two. I cried when I had to sign the DNR and I cried when I was going home while in the car. I was numb afterwards. Probably as numb as I was for the five years since she got sick.
It wasn’t that I didn’t care–I guess my emotional detachment was my way of dealing with things. I don’t do well with grief… or with any other feelings. I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t know what to feel during the appropriate times. I’m a mess.
I guess I haven’t moved on from losing mama. Hindi ko nga magawang kausapin yung puntod nya eh. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. All I’m hoping for right now is that I get to move on.
I want to fall in love. Gusto ko naman na may magmahal sa akin. Ano ba feeling non? I want someone who will take care of me. I want someone who thinks about me. I want someone who thinks I can make his life better. Lord, kelan ko ba makukuha yan? Tagal ko ng mag-isa, nakakapagod na din ha. I want a husband. I want babies. I want my dad to freakin’ hold his apo.
I get jealous of my friends. There. I said it.
I want a career that makes me happy. Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be part of entertainment. Not being an artista, that’s not my dream. I want to be behind the scenes. I want to write, to create, to be in this magulo, magaslaw, puyatan environment. I’m 29, do I still have a chance at this?
I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m so alone in this world, I’m not sure where I’m supposed to hold on. This isn’t even a cheesy outtake of my life, I just feel like crap right now.
Dami kong gusto, di ko naman alam kung san ako magsisimula. Punyeta.
I can still feel the emptiness in my heart–emotionally and physically. There’s this empty space that needs something (so many things!!!) I haven’t found yet.
I’m hoping 2016 fills it up for me.